What follows is a “politically conservative” piece that has been circulating on the Internet. It was forwarded to me in early August 2009. Below it, you will find my response.
“Subject: TODAY’S LESSON: SIMPLIFIED AND TRUE
History 101
For those that don’t know about history, here is a condensed version:
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided. Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today’s lesson in world history:
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.
And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.”
Response to: “TODAY’S LESSON: SIMPLIFIED AND TRUE” What a bunch of BULL…
What should actually be “noted” is that it was LIBERALS, not conservatives, who started and finished the Revolutionary War. The conservatives supported the King. Read your history. I have no idea where that backwards notion about who the liberals were and who the conservatives were in 1776 came from, whoever authored that quaint little Hannity-like piece. It is, however, typical of the twisted logic of the far right.
In addition to fighting for our independence, it was the LIBERALS who pushed to eradicate slavery. If the Conservatives had had their way, we’d be the only country in the world that bought and sold human beings as property.
It was the LIBERALS who stood up to Gov. Maddox and his ilk in the South, and I’d challenge anyone to offer a convincing argument that we’d be better off as a country had that not happened.
It was the LIBERALS who, in fact, challenged the basis for the Vietnam War (which I blindly supported at the time–see below). In hindsight, nobody I know, conservative or otherwise, thinks now that it was a good idea to sacrifice 58,000 American Lives for a back-water of no strategic value to this country, all in the name of fighting Communism. The Soviets enjoyed bleeding us dry, laughing all those years. They supplied the arms, we threw our best youth into the meat grinder. Robert McNamara admitted it was a huge mistake, one that
haunted him all the remaining days of his life.
It was the LIBERALS who correctly, as it turns out, questioned the logic for going into Iraq. That little conflict worked out well, didn’t it? Just the way the Conservatives said it would…with us being greeted as liberators, and the whole thing over in 6 months, at no net cost to this country.
Those are just three major examples. Remember…liberals typically question authority and the status quo.
It’s been over 40 years since my 21st birthday, and finally, this one-time dyed-in-the-wool conservative, member of Young Americans for Freedom and the Young Republicans, campaigner for Barry Goldwater before I could vote…who voted for Richard Nixon, Gerald Ford, Ronald Reagan, George Bush senior (twice), Robert Dole, and “W,” twice, finally realized that most of what the conservatives champion no longer comports with my beliefs. That said, I look at each issue I’m interested in, try to find out as much as I can about it, and then decide which “side” I’m on. In the last 4 years, it has become exceeding obvious that the neo-cons in office did their best to trash the economy (not intentionally, but that is of little comfort), fight the wrong war, and whistle past the graveyard when it came to major social issues.
Oh, and by the way…the “American Beer,” BUD, is now a “foreign beer,” owned ironically, by Europeans, who are, in fact, more enlightened than the bible-thumping, creationist-believing, America-love-it-or-leave-it crowd.
Lastly…
I love the phrase in that piece, Conservatives…”provide for their women.” Hilarious. What troglodyte wrote this? In a considerable number of the families I personally know, the “little woman” provides at least half the income.
Second, the notion that it was the “conservatives” who left Europe and founded this country is exactly the opposite of what happened. The conservatives in Europe at the time were the persecutors (mostly religious-based…nothing ever changes, does it?), and it was the free thinkers, the non-conformists (i.e., liberals) who left, or were thrown out. For what it is worth, however, the Puritans, who no one would tag as liberal in anything, fortunately, were not in the majority, and our Founding Fathers, who were at best deists, wisely did not establish this nation under any religion. It was THAT sort of revolutionary thinking, (liberal thinking) that set this country apart. No country in the history of the world had established a central government without a state-sponsored, state endorsed, religion. That’s what CONSERVATIVES would have done, and to this day try to insist it is otherwise, or should be. Scary.
The Sean Hannitys, Rush Limbaughs, Newt Gingriches, and deliver us…Glenn Becks, of the world should read their history. It is these men who are inspiring and leading the storm troopers of today. As to Bill O’Reilly, he used to be fairly “neutral,” but since the election he has towed the Fox party line like the good trooper he is.
…and that’s all I have to say ’bout that.
Oh, by the way, if Barry Goldwater were alive today, he would be appalled at what happened to this country under 8 years of “W” and his master, the Emperor.